Online Edition of The Cardinal Times

The Cardinal Times

Online Edition of The Cardinal Times

The Cardinal Times

Online Edition of The Cardinal Times

The Cardinal Times

Ask the creepy-crawly Cardinal Consultants

Anna Klein
Cardinal Consultant #1 stands next to Cardinal Consultant #2, who was recently turned into a real Cardinal by an evil witch.

Dear Cardinal Consultants,

I’m a graduating senior this year, which means I’ll be leaving Lincoln soon. I’m beginning to drift from my identity as a high school student; I don’t know what to be next. This got me thinking, logistically speaking, what would be the optimal animal to turn into? I’m looking for versatility. You might be thinking: an otter, because it can exist both in and out of the water, or maybe, a swallow, since it migrates and you could visit all sorts of places! But to those I say nay. I want to become an insect. I’ll start out as a house fly, move onto a beetle, then a ladybug. I could even throw in a drone ant, if I’m feeling crazy! I figured since both the Cardinal Consultants are in the same boat as me—about to graduate—I’d get your opinion.

I hope to see you in the soil!

Sent from my iPhone


Dear Sent From my iPhone,

Do you have no loyalty to your alma mater? Once a Cardinal, always a Cardinal. Fly, perch on phone wires, eat nuts and seeds—talk about versatility. That color too! I’ve been told firetruck red really represents my personality. If you consider yourself a little more muted, try the desert Cardinal. I would even accept any bird in the Cardinalidae family—red, blue or yellow. 

Do not mistake my school spirit for bug hate—I greatly appreciate all that bugs do for our planet!

If you want to help the planet and look good doing it, what about becoming a microscopic saprotrophic bacteria? You might be worried about the detritus, but if people can pretend to like blue cheese, I’m sure you’ll manage. Obviously expiration dates are more of a suggestion anyways.

I’d be careful about turning into a bug… at least around me. I recently had a run-in with an evil witch (the one that lives in the third floor conference room) and now I have a strange hankering for mealworms.


Cardinal consultant #2

P.S. You have a really unique name!


Dear Sent From My Phone,

I’m confused. Are you not already a horse? Why did you neigh?

Cardinal Consultant #1

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About the Contributors
Mary Carney
Mary Carney, Managing Print Editor
Mary is a senior this year. She is excited to get to know all the new staff and see how the paper develops throughout the year! She loves writing satire. Contact by emailing [email protected] and put the reporter's name in the subject line
Anna Klein
Anna Klein, Managing Print Editor
Anna is a senior this year. She is excited for her last year as cardinal consultant #1 (or maybe #1, who knows) and to see how the paper develops throughout the year and after she's gone. Her favorite part of being on the paper is creating photoshop abominations.
Contact by emailing [email protected] and put the reporter's name in the subject line

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