Disclaimer: The Cardinal Consultants are NOT real people, nor do they reflect the opinions and beliefs of the writers or The Cardinal Times. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental. Email us your questions at [email protected]
Hey Cardinal Consultants,
I plan on stealing one of the baby goats from the Wellness Fair. I believe that by taking one of them from the commons at 11:37 a.m. on Feb. 13, I am doing right by animals everywhere. How can I smuggle one out of the door without my fellow students noticing and calling security on me?
Always yours,
Goat Lover
Dear Goat Lover,
This is a horrible plan! How can you expect to get away with this? Why would you even want to steal a goat? How are you going to sneak it out? And when? Can we share custody? I’m great with kids! I’m not great at sharing custody though. Cardinal Consultant #2 would tell you all about it (she never shuts up!)
The first thing I would advise you to do in this situation is not admit your plans to anyone. If anyone finds out there will be a kid-napper at the wellness fair, security will surely be beefed up. Caesar the llama doesn’t take well to threats. Maybe wear protective gear so you don’t get spit on. Lay low, keep your plans private and find the perfect accomplice. Someone trustworthy, smart and good with kids. In other words, not Cardinal Consultant #2. Maybe the other Cardinal Consultant has some desirable qualities.
We need to make a plan. I know a place where we can keep the goat. Believe it or not, the new Lincoln building has even more luxurious crawl space than the old one. And less asbestos! The perfect place to set up a nice, cozy, kid-friendly home. It’s the kind of place you could raise a family. It’s also great for hiding from the authorities! We could stay there, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, listening to all the teacher gossip our hearts desire. The acoustics are surprisingly good.
Love,
Cardinal Consultant #1
Dear Goat Lover,
While I empathize with your plight, and approve of your love for animals, you have to think about all the students who are showing up to wellness fair for the sole purpose of catching a glimpse of those precious animals. How disappointed will they be, forced now to make slime! Or like meditate or something. Oh the horror! Oh the wellness! I feel sick thinking about it.
But idk probably put it in your jacket or something? Or like your backpack. Actually, that might not be safe. Idk I’m not like a goat guy. Just do what you want idc. Idrc about anything anymore tbh. Not after Cardinal Consultant #1 took the kids.
—Cardinal Consultant #2
Dear Cardinal Consultant #1,
I followed your advice and it ruined my life. I stole a goat from the commons on Feb. 13 at 11:37 a.m. I took refuge in the crawl space, where I found an aesthetically pleasing post-modern studio, complete with checkered flooring and surrealist artwork. I didn’t think the geometric couches were exactly the right fit for a goat sanctuary, but I did enjoy the bright colors. Quite the contrast from Lincoln’s hospital-esque halls. Anyways, despite how many cacti I stumbled across, you were nowhere to be found. I’ve been here for two weeks, and the only thing in your pastel pink mini fridge is ranch. No one should have this much ranch.
I was promised an accomplice and all I’ve gotten is a vitamin D deficiency and scurvy. The only orange thing in this place is a beanbag. Please help.
Sincerely,
Goat Lover
Dear Idiot,
This is not a question. Since there is no question mark present in your 142 word paragraph, we are unable to answer at this time. Please refrain from contacting us again.
With peace and love,
Cardinal Consultant #1
