Online Edition of The Cardinal Times

The Cardinal Times

Online Edition of The Cardinal Times

The Cardinal Times

Online Edition of The Cardinal Times

The Cardinal Times

Ask the Spooky Consultants
The Cardinal channels the power of Spirit Halloween and multiplies. Watch out! If you need advice or want to clone yourself like the cardinal can, email us at [email protected].

Dear Cardinal Consultants,

Spooky season is upon us once again, which means children get to run around dressed like mermaids and vampires, and my usual life of relaxation must end. You see, I am an animatronic, and for 11 months of the year I have no obligations or responsibilities. But every October, in order to pay my rent for the rest of the year, I must come out of the shadows and take a full time job at Spirit Halloween. However, I have lost my touch. Apparently, animatronics like me aren’t scary anymore, and the Spirit Halloween overlords are threatening to fire me. There isn’t much employment for a ghost animatronic like myself, so I was hoping that you two, being unemployed teenagers, could give me some tips on how to secure a job.

Much appreciated,

Jobless Jester


Dear Jobless Jester,

You need to gain some self confidence! Personally, I would never find a fake ghost, goblin or ghoul scary, especially when they’re inside a very empty and dark department store. However, I can empathize with some little kid (or maybe a very sensitive and gentle teenager) who finds themselves plagued by recurring nightmares induced by plastic clown figures. Even though I’m emotionally stronger than the average 6-year-old, I still think you have a fright or two left to give. I’m also a strong advocate for following your dreams! If your lifelong goal has been to reside on a porch for three weeks of the year, and then rot in a garage for the other 49, don’t let any corporate fascists stop you. Also, holding onto the job you’ve got is probably your best bet. Getting hired in this economy? Good luck.

Cardinal Consultant #2 and I followed our dreams and look at where we ended up. In fact, I think “two unemployed teenagers” is a reductive and frankly disrespectful description. I work incredibly hard for 1-3 hours every single month to be funny for the school newspaper. You have no idea the toll such a job takes on one’s physical and mental health. When I close my eyes, all I see is an empty Google Doc and disappointed editors.

If you do get fired, you can always look our way for work. Send us a resume at [email protected], and we’ll find something for you to do. Ghost writer perhaps?

Best Regards,

Cardinal Consultant #1

Leave a Comment
More to Discover
About the Contributors
Anna Klein
Anna Klein, Managing Print Editor
Anna is a senior this year. She is excited for her last year as cardinal consultant #1 (or maybe #1, who knows) and to see how the paper develops throughout the year and after she's gone. Her favorite part of being on the paper is creating photoshop abominations.
Contact by emailing [email protected] and put the reporter's name in the subject line
Mary Carney
Mary Carney, Managing Print Editor
Mary is a senior this year. She is excited to get to know all the new staff and see how the paper develops throughout the year! She loves writing satire. Contact by emailing [email protected] and put the reporter's name in the subject line

Comments (0)

All The Cardinal Times Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *