Insult the Cardinal Consultants

Anna Klein

The Cardinal falls gracefully down the stairs after being tripped by a disgruntled student. Email us your questions at [email protected].

Dear Cardinal Consultant #2 (I HATE #1),

People have somehow come to the preposterous conclusion that I am difficult. Classmates groan when paired up with me for group projects. “Friends” sigh when I enter the room. My teachers ignore my emails with detailed notes on how they can improve. Last time someone asked me to edit their essay, I left a really helpful six pages of criticism and the kid cried! I’ve tried to explain that everyone else is incompetent and jealous of my many gifts and talents, but they won’t listen. How can I convince everyone that the way I do things is just fundamentally correct? I am so clearly the victim in this ridiculous conundrum. Is there some disease going around that makes everyone disrespectful?


The Antithesis of Difficult 


Dear Antithesis of Difficult,

You sent in this question two months ago, and there has not been a single second since that I am not thinking about it. I hesitate  even giving you the satisfaction of this answer, but my curiosity has bested me. I have combed the deep recesses of my mind to understand what has ignited this deep and visceral hatred for me within you. What trespasses have I made against you? Are you the kid I hit in the face with a baseball in seventh grade P.E.? Did I ask you to buy me Blue Star and then never pay you back? Did I step on the back of your shoe while you were walking up the stairs and accidentally send you flying back down to the fifth floor landing? I said I was sorry!

I am not the type of person who has enemies. I am so naturally charming and entertaining that people start laughing the second I walk into a room. Your teachers ignore your emails? My teachers email me daily. Maybe you should act more normal and end your peer editing with “…but other than that it was really good!” like the rest of us!

Maybe everyone dislikes you because you don’t appreciate the satirical arts. Did you ever think of that?

—Cardinal Consultant #1


Dear Antithesis of Difficult,



Cardinal Consultant #2