Satire: The return of the Cardinal Consultants (episode VI)


Anna Klein

Bright red posters adorn the hallways advertising Mock Trial. If you happen to see a completely separate poster for the cardinal Consultants, think about scanning the QR code to be featured in the next issue.

Cardinal Consultants,

Something’s been haunting me. Every corner I turn, there it is, taunting me with its cruel margins and disembodied Cardinal head atop a human body. It’s attached to the wall with thumbtacks but attached to my psyche with horror. I curse whoever designed it, whoever printed its bright red background, its mismatching fonts. Whoever thought, “It’s camp!” as they made the ugliest poster in the world. How do I live with this hanging over me?


Graphically Disappointed


Dear Graphically Disappointed,

It’s obvious this is really affecting you. We cannot advocate enough for the importance of therapy, especially for teens. It’s not healthy to have such a strong reaction to something that is not only completely normal, but is probably beautiful in its own way. You have to remember that someone poured their heart, soul and days of their time into making this poster. To email us about this problem suggests more about your own issues than it does the poster’s. Keep that in mind.

If this poster truly haunts your dreams, as any good therapists would, we suggest exposure therapy. Please, for the sake of your own mental wellbeing, take down one of the posters, make 10-20 copies, and hang them up in the hallways you frequent. At the same time, make sure you’re talking to everyone you know about this poster, sharing it online, and telling your friends to scan the QR code. 

We don’t know which poster you’re referring to, but in our opinion, many of the posters we see around the school are simply magnificent. For example, the Cardinal Consultants have a really great one. Maybe you’re talking about the Mock Trial posters? I don’t know why you’re so distressed about them, I don’t think anyone else in the school has even noticed them. 


The Cardinal Consultants

*We are legally obligated to tell you that we are not therapists. One of the Cardinal Consultants is in IB Psychology, so it’s basically the same thing. Also, no shade to Mock Trial.