Dear Cardinal Consultants,

I got cut from a no cut sport, what do I do?

Help me,

A Bad Athlete 

Dear Bad Athlete,

If I were you, I would be glad this column is anonymous. If you’re going to admit that publicly, try to rephrase. Do what everyone else does and say, “Yeah I made the team. I think I’m just too busy to play, though.” Maybe this is a sign that athletics are not for you. But don’t fret! There are plenty of other extracurriculars available that look good on your college applications. You could always audition for a musical, and hope no one tells you that you have a “disturbing stage presence” and “shouldn’t be allowed to sing in public places.” That would be cruel, and should never be said to a third grader auditioning for the school play. Or a high schooler, obviously.

However embarrassing your situation, I will admit, I have faced similar challenges. Three months ago, I pursued my lifelong dream of becoming a professional pickleball player. It took blood, sweat and a massive amount of pickleball balls. Unfortunately, after all that sacrifice, I discovered that one of the biggest requirements to join the league was to live in a retirement home. Having three or more grandchildren was highly encouraged. I was devastated. But then I realized pickleball is just knock-off tennis and joined the tennis team instead. I don’t suggest you join the tennis team. Tennis is just knock-off ping pong, which is knock-off badminton, which is–you get the idea. 

But if you’re stuck on sports, remember, there’s always chess.

Sincerely,

Cardinal Consultant #1

Hey Cardinal Consultants, 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of things lately, but the most troubling is the fact that my brother continuously barges into my room unannounced. What’s even worse is that he leaves without closing the door! How do I claim my power as the older sibling and show him his place? 

I need help, 

A Stressed Out Sister 

Dear Stressed Out Sister,

If I knew the answer to that question, I would still be allowed at family gatherings. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a duo of incredibly wise and insanely attractive advice columnists to offer me the guidance needed to deal with this annoying problem in a legal way. Through trial and error, I have discovered that you must go about solving this problem in stages. Start by telling your brother to stop, and when that doesn’t work (it won’t), buy a lock. When he picks the lock, (he will) it’s time to go full Kevin McCallister. However, don’t go straight for the blowtorch or BB gun (we do not condone violence of any kind). Start off slow with some plastic wrap and marbles. For legal reasons, we can’t advise you on what to do with these items, but I’m sure you can figure something out.

I hope you’ve taken IB Psychology, because this situation calls for some good old classical conditioning. Like a dog salivating at the ring of a bell, a younger brother can easily be trained to sit, stay and close your bedroom door. Go down to Powell’s Books and look for “Dog Training for Dummies,” or “Parenting Difficult Children” if the dog thing doesn’t work out. 

I ended up just moving out of my house, which was difficult at first, but you’d be surprised how homey you can make Lincoln’s crawl space when you’re desperate.

Sincerely,

Cardinal Consultant #2