Satire: Ask the Cardinal Consultants (again, again)

Anna Klein

Reporters Anna Klein and Mary Carney answer Lincoln students’ questions in the third edition of Ask the Cardinal Consultants! Email your questions to [email protected] to be featured in the next addition of the column (please email, it’s anonymous).

Hello Cards! Welcome to the third addition of our satirical advice column, “Ask the Cardinal Consultants.” These questions come from Lincoln students. If you are interested in sending us a letter, email us at [email protected]. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.


Dear Cardinal Consultants, 

I have a MAJOR DILEMMA, and it’s actually so bad. So… I’m short. Not even that short. Just below average. My so-called “friends” always tease me about it and call me names like “shortie,” “shawty,” “stumpy” and even “teeny tater tot.” What do I do? I need them around to get things out of the top shelf in my locker, but the short shaming is becoming too much. 

Waiting for your advice, 

A Slightly Semi-Short Sophomore


Dear Slightly Semi-Short Sophomore,

When I was seven, my parents dragged me to a housewarming party full of adults. As the only one there under 4 feet, I can understand how you must feel every day. Since then, unlike you, I’ve grown (5 feet 4 inches). Not to brag, but I’ve gotten several concussions from slamming my head into door frames when trying to enter rooms. I’m simply too tall for my own good, so while I can’t relate to your shortness, I understand the feeling of your height being an inconvenience.

For a teeny tater tot like yourself, your best bet is the art of illusion. Much like 12-year-old me trying to get onto Adrenaline Peak at Oaks Park, you must learn that platform shoes are your best friend. I’ve also heard vertical stripes can make you look taller. You could also walk around with a stool to access the top shelf, wear 11 inch heels, walk on pointe to every class, invest in mini trampoline shoes or, of course, levitate (talk to Dua Lipa, she knows a few things about that).


Cardinal Consultant #1


Dear Cardinal Consultants,

I think my friend hates me. She keeps asking me to get bubble tea with her, but then cancels at the last minute! One time she told me she couldn’t go because she was sick, but I saw her at school the very next day! This isn’t a one-time thing either, it happens every three to five business days. What’s going on? How do I figure out why she’s ignoring me? She is my only friend, so I don’t know if this is normal. Maybe I’m overreacting, but regardless, please send help. 

Sent from my iPhone,

Stood-Up Student


Dear Stood-Up Student,

We can’t lie, this is a strange situation, but don’t panic! There are many reasons why someone would cancel. Maybe she really was sick? Maybe she had to dog-sit for a neighbor? Or maybe she was in jail! I wouldn’t jump to conclusions too quickly, but these are some serious things to consider.

I think this situation calls for deep self-reflection. It’s possible this friend doesn’t respect your time or friendship. I think new friends are in order! According to WikiHow, the best way to make new friends is to make yourself available. Also according to WikiHow, the best way to stand up for yourself without crying is using “I” statements. For example, “I am confused on why you keep canceling on me,” or “I understand your feelings, but I don’t respect them.”

The best part of this plan is that you will lose an awful friend and a potential health hazard. Everyone who receives Principal Chapman’s emails should know you should never come to school sick. Hopefully your friend realizes the error of her ways and purchases a hazmat suit.

Hope this helps!

Cardinal Consultant #2