Dear Cardinal Consultants,
I come to you for advice concerning my recent tumultuous breakup. On our first date, while eating split pea soup and drinking grape Fanta, we decided to put on “Twilight.” Before I knew it, we were in a screaming fight over Jacob and Edward. My partner spent three hours rambling about how Jacob is better than Edward, and I argued that Edward is obviously the better choice. The fight escalated when I dumped my grape Fanta on my partner’s head and stormed out of their basement. I don’t know if I can be with someone who is team Jacob. They’ve been blowing up my phone with “Twilight” gifs ever since and part of my soul yearns for them. What do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
Faithful Fanpire
Dear Faithful Fanpire,
Your first mistake was putting on “Twilight.” Has no one told you the things you aren’t supposed to mention on a first date? Religion, politics and “Twilight.” When Cardinal Consultant #1 and I watched “Twilight” for the first time, we got in such a big fight that every single Regal Cinema employee in the country knows our faces and will sound a special alarm if we step foot on the premises. Our fight was not about Jacob and Edward though. It was about something much more important: Charlie vs. Carlisle.
I’m pretty indifferent to the whole Jacob and Edward debate. One sparkles in the sunlight and the other one is a giant dog. I mean, at least Jacob is cozy. But Bella could probably do better either way.
As for your date problem, I’d recommend watching something less controversial next time, like the Hunger Games! There’s no highly contested love triangle to argue over in that one.
Love,
Cardinal Consultant #2
Dear Faithful Fanpire,
With opinions like that, you’re funny enough to become Cardinal Consultant #3. What an uninspired, uninteresting, unoriginal, and downright unacceptable position to take. Edward is a stalker and a creep. More importantly, he doesn’t have any fur at all. Jacob is an absolute angel (in the first 1.5 movies). He was there for Bella when that hypothermic parasitic boogeyman left her for an Italian vacay! Another bonus—he’s not 104 years old.
To be fair, I haven’t seen Breaking Dawn Part Two. But I just can’t imagine there’s anything in that movie that would change my mind about Jacob’s superior status.
Anyways, I’m team Charlie.
-Cardinal Consultant #1
