Dear Cardinal Consultants,
I’m planning to break up with my girlfriend at homecoming, but I’m not sure exactly how to do it. How do I make this easier for her?
Thanks!
Heartbreaker
Dear Heartbreaker,
I’ve actually had some recent experience with this dilemma. I’ve been trying to think of ways to let Cardinal Consultant #1 down gently. We’re not in a relationship, but she does show up at my house completely unannounced every one to three business days. She’s actually sitting across from me as I type this. She has eaten so much of my pimento cheese dip, I am not only worried for her health, but her sanity.
My one true love is actually the Kool-Aid man. Every time he smashes through my walls, Cardinal Consultant #1 is already in my house, and then the vibes are weird.
I technically haven’t expressed my discomfort with Cardinal Consultant #1’s constant and demanding presence, but I have dropped a couple of hints. For example, I haven’t spoken a single word to her in two weeks. Unfortunately, this didn’t do much as we communicate exclusively in bird whistles, so the lack of spoken word went unnoticed. We got into a physical fight in a New Seasons parking lot when she refused to pay for the pimento cheese dip she would inevitably consume. That also didn’t exactly pan out, as physical touch is her love language.
I’ve decided the only course of action is to write all my thoughts in a completely anonymous advice column, where nobody knows who is who. Please don’t look in the byline. Hopefully #1 actually reads the paper this year, instead of using it to make tiny origami boats. I do love the tiny origami boats. I will miss the tiny origami boats.
To you, I recommend the same. As you may or may not be aware, The Cardinal Times accepts commentaries and letters to the editor between 400-600 words. Please be aware that editors have both the right and responsibility to edit, change and condense any editorials for brevity and clarity. We do not permit libel or written defamation of any kind. Please submit your writing in an email to [email protected].
Thank you,
Cardinal Consultant #2
Dear Heartbreaker,
I am sitting across from Cardinal Consultant #2, who is typing away on her little iPad like a sticky child. I’m sure she’s complaining about how I’m eating all her pimento cheese dip that she graciously put out for me because I told her that I was coming over. I always tell her! She just doesn’t read my texts because she’s too busy with that red wall destroying maniac! As for the dip, she’s eaten more than me!
But I digress. If you want to break up with someone, I suggest simply being as annoying as possible and forcing them to break up with you first. Trust me I know. If anyone thought I was annoying, surely they would use their words to tell me, instead of being passive aggressive.
Love,
Cardinal Consultant #1
