Satire: Issac Coltman writes Horoscopes for Cardinal Times

Pictured here: Virgo virtuously sailing across the realms of reality.


Pictured here: Virgo virtuously sailing across the realms of reality.

Editor’s Note: When asked at the monthly news meeting about what reporter Issac Coltman wanted to write for this issue, he was only able to stare into space and, with his mouth agape and eyes glazed over, choke out random syllables while making broad gestures to the ceiling.

Since its founding in 1897, The Cardinal Times has been committed to making sure every reporter participates in the paper, even in moments of great existential crisis. So The Cardinal Times gave him the spectroscopic assignment (the electrifying and novel tradition, the art and predictive dance) of writing “Horoscopes.” 

To the stars, Issac.


Capricorn: You weren’t a car kid growing up. Dinosaurs were much more your speed. When people asked you what your favorite dinosaur was, you always had an answer. The same answer. You don’t realize, but nobody has forgotten. Nobody has forgotten that you made the wrong choice.

Aquarius: Congratulations! You have won the award for having the least creative, worst looking astrology sign (and by golly, the competition was tough!). As a consolation prize, you will be able to “go with the flow” this summer, or more accurately, “ride the pair of jagged scribbles.”

Pisces: Your life is in pieces. Snape killed Dumbledore, Katniss didn’t pick Gale, “Divergent” was never a finished movie series, “Maze Runner” was a finished movie series. However! From the chaos, you— the phoenix—will rise.

Aries: You’re always the one to charge in and fix your problems head on. Not this time though. It’s time to run. Good luck.

Taurus: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Or in other words, you will shortly be found in the center of a ravenous bull attack. Confused? Don’t be! Just ask an Aries for advice.

Gemini: George W. Bush, Henry Kissinger, Donald Trump and John F. Kennedy. I don’t care what you do, but for our sake (and for your sake) don’t go into politics. 

Cancer: The crabs are angry. Mark the words of their clattering little claws: the crabs will not forgive, and they will not forget. Hear the Monstercat Electro Dance Music? See the stock iMovie transitions? That’s them. Watch out.

Leo: Your life will be decadent and successful beyond your wildest dreams, but (thunder cracks) you will never date someone over 25! John McCain (god rest his soul) will call you an “androgynous wimp” in the press! Not only that, but you will be forced to fulfill the bidding of a man obsessed with bears!— or feet!— or gangsters!— or boats! Or gangster bears! On a boat! With feet! 

Virgo: Everyone speaks ill of the Virgos… “Oh they’re so self centered,” “oh they’re egotistical,” “Virgo? Red flag!” No. I will not have it! Not because I am a Virgo, but because I’m simply so amazing!— so insightful!— so confident! We Virgos breathe in the worlds of virtue, fly in the worlds of dreams, and sail across reality itself! Rise Virgos! Rise! [Editor’s Note: Issac wrote five books worth of words after this section. It was utter nonsense and we cut all of it.]

Libra: You will be the first person to visit The Cardinal Times website.

Scorpio: You are Ryan Gosling. But not the “Crazy Stupid Love” Gosling, not the “Notebook” Gosling or the “La La Land” Gosling. You wish you were the “Half Nelson” Gosling, but you’re the “Lars and the Real Girl” Gosling. If you think you want to look that up— don’t.

Sagittarius: Everybody saves the best for last! Or, more accurately, they procrastinate the hardest and most tedious part of the assignment until the very last minute. Good luck with college essays!