Satire: Chronicles from a senior card


Niko Paroissien-Arce

This is what happens when you graduate (if you’re doing it right).

As a proud member of the senior flock soon to depart from my nest, I would like to share some of my favorite memories of my times here at Lincoln High. People in my class might know me as the “people’s president” or the “true king of Lincoln” but those names don’t define me as a person. Believe it or not, I’ve had my fair share of difficult moments over the past couple of years. It can be draining to constantly put others before myself and be so humble all the time.

But at the end of the day, It’s no use to be awesome if you aren’t willing to learn new things along the way. I embody the Go Cards mindset (Global,Open-minded, Caring, Altruistic, Respectful, Dedicated and Supportive) and I now know that making clever acronyms is the first and only step towards real change.

In my classes I was encouraged to think critically, asking myself questions such as “is sleep optional?”, “Is there free will?”, “What is the easiest way to get COVID-19 so I can skip IB testing?”

I also began my journey as an International Bacholerette scholar, gathering priceless knowledge such as how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, how money isn’t real, time isn’t real, nothing is real and other really great things. “I think, therefore I am,” is a pretty good one too.

To celebrate my time here at Lincoln I will gladly be spending $100 for the graduation party. You can be sure to find me at 5 a.m. being forcibly removed as I attempt to go down the water slide just “one more time.”

I live by the words once said in the American Classic “Hotel California,” “you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.” (Does guitar solo.) (The crowd goes wild.) And that’s exactly why I’m NOT leaving. High School is the most important part of your entire life! You heard it here first. See you next year!