Dear Cardinal Consultants, 

I adore your column in The Cardinal Times. Everytime I read your section, I struggle to control the grin that slips onto my face. I would love to share your company at the prom, but I can’t decide between Cardinal Consultant #1 or Cardinal Consultant #2. My heart can’t choose. Please make this difficult challenge easier for me. So the question remains…who will I take to prom?

Love, 

Your Secret Admirer 

Dear Secret Admirer,

I will do anything to have the honor of being your date to the prom. I don’t care what you look like, what grade you’re in, or if you golf unironically. What’s your favorite color? Oh my gosh, me too! Wow, it’s so crazy how similar we are! It’s like we were made for each other.

Don’t worry about hurting Cardinal Consultant #1’s feelings. I’ll make sure she isn’t an issue going forward.

P.S. If you drop your Venmo in our email, my mom will pay you to take me.

Much love,

Cardinal Consultant #2

Dear Desperate,

Bold of you to assume you even have a chance. There’s been a long line of suitors with increasingly elaborate promposals since my freshman year. What kind of dowry are you offering my family? How much gold are you willing to give for the honor of escorting me to the prom? 

To even be able to ask that question, there are several requirements. Will you be able to take me to dinner (Cracker Barrel) in a horse drawn carriage? Are you committed to dressing like Abraham Lincoln to show true school spirit? When my feet hurt after hours of moshing and leading a conga line, will your feet be strong enough to handle wearing my eight inch heels? I exclusively slow dance to Flo Rida, are you prepared to handle that?

How desperate do you have to be to send a promposal to two different people through a Google Form? Do you even know which Cardinal Consultant is Anna and which is Mary? Jokes on you, even we don’t know. Anyways, I’m not going to prom. I’m not allowed at Lincoln events anymore after failing to graduate 26 years ago. 

Sorry,

Cardinal Consultant #1