Hey Cardinal Consultants, are you dirt? Because I dig your advice column!

As you can see, I need help with pickup lines. “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see,” has not gotten me very far, and I doubt calling someone a “fineapple,” or “optimus fine,” would make them fall head over heels. I’ve tried to spice up my pickup line game, but have received less than positive reactions, ranging from “how dare you speak to my grandmother that way?” to getting kicked out of the Chipotle on West Burnside. My latest attempt, “Hey girl, do you live in a cornfield? Because I’m stalking you,” got me a date in court, but not with my crush. Please help me level up my pickup lines in order to get the ladies to swoon over me.

With love, 

Pathetic Pickup Lines

Dear Pathetic Pickup Lines,

Cardinal Consultant #1 and I are at the end of our ropes. Every day we open up our email account and read your silly little questions about your silly little problems, and every single day they are astronomically funnier than we could ever be. If you want to write funny things for the Cardinal Times, you’re going to need to con your way onto the newspaper, just like the rest of us.

Anyways, get a hold of yourself. Those are the worst pickup lines I’ve ever heard, and I was once asked if I was a pirate because I “put the curvy in scurvy.” I was so taken aback that when they asked me out, I forgot to say no. Our three year anniversary was last month, and I’m starting to get suspicious that they think we’re actually dating.

Personally, when I’m flirting with grandmas I find that pickup lines are less effective than, say, complimenting the grandkids. “Wow, your grandson doesn’t look a day over 25!” The only bad response I’ve gotten to that one was, “this is my husband.” Maybe pickup lines aren’t your forte, and that’s okay! I don’t use pickup lines, but I’ve gotten pretty close to a relationship a couple of times. Not to brag, but I’ve been ghosted by three different people. You don’t need pickup lines, just try being yourself. I can’t promise any swooning, but hopefully it will lessen the chances of being pepper sprayed.

With(out) love,

Cardinal Consultant #2