Dear Cardinal Consultants,

I have a super major problem and I need your help. Everyone is lowkey obsessed with me and trying to steal my style! Some context, I am NOT like other girls. I like pizza, wear hoodies and hate Starbucks. You get it. All of my “friends” keep trying to steal my quirkiness, but I’ve been thrifting since before it was cool! Please help me! I CANNOT anymore with all this pumpkin spice latte energy.

Love, Quirky Cool Kid

Dear Quirky Cool Kid,

I have this problem too. You have no idea how hard it is to be one of the two coolest people in the entire school. I go to Starbucks every morning and buy six pumpkin spice lattes which I immediately dump in the trash. When my parents realized how much debt I was putting them in from Starbucks purchases alone, they sold my Mitski tickets.

I too refuse to wear anything but thrifted attire. As such, the cap and gown at graduation just didn’t fit my vibe. Maybe when Lincoln starts getting them at the bins I’ll think about graduating. You think you’re quirky? I’m the last remaining student from the class of ‘97. 

The key to quirkiness is to follow exactly in my footsteps. Listen to underground music like Nirvana and the Smiths. Talk about performance art installations! Start a blog! Steal the geese at the waterfront. They’re free and the police can’t stop you. Put them on a leash and walk them around your neighborhood. Trust me, they survive just fine on cat food.

Finally, remember that being different from others should not define your self worth. You’re fine just the way you are—slightly less quirky and interesting than I am.

Cheers,

The Cardinal Consultants