Dearest Cardinal Consultants,

I write to thee from my balcony surveying the cliffs of the coast, feeling forlorn. I love a girl and she looks on. I am in desperate need of your assistance. How shall I win her affection, o wise ones? We move on to university in three fortnights, and I wish to have a “summer fling” as it were. 

Yours truly,

Hopelessly in Love

Dear Hopelessly in Love,

How dreary! My sincerest sympathies I give to thee. Thou hast beseeched us with a complicated question. I know not what to do because I have faced such a challenge before. When I neared graduation many moons ago, I was separated from my soulmate: the Cardinal Mascot. Many nights I would lay awake and think of that beautiful red bird (costume), dreading my graduation. I may be privy to heartbreak, but following in my footsteps is not advisable. No matter how much you implore a mascot suit to “give up thy feathers and refuse thy name” it simply remains loyal to its school, destined forever to shake pom-poms at away games and attempt to hype up the crowd at assemblies. 

If you aren’t to follow in my bird tracks, I suggest you avoid the whole mess in the first place. You ask us “how shall I win her affection?” I ask you, how did that work out for Romeo and Juliet? Hamlet and Ophelia? Kim and Kanye? Dost thou wish to sit alone in thy dorm room, eating instant ramen out of a mug, and also be heartbroken? I would not advise you to live without your love and a microwave. What shall happen in three fortnights? You go off to college, and your summer fling retreats back into a Lincoln storage closet. Perhaps, it is time for you to look on too. Focus on yourself as you enter a new chapter of your life. Maybe if you wanted to pursue an actual relationship instead of a summer fling you might have more success. Take it from me, a rushed relationship never works out. You just don’t know who’s wearing the mascot head. But don’t fret, there are plenty of cardinals in the sky. 

Sincerely, 

Cardinal Consultant #1