Satire: Local high school definitely not under alien invasion, says alien overlord


Danica Leung

In this satire piece, Danica Leung discusses the recent arrival of aliens to Lincoln High School.

PORTLAND, OR — After student-reported sightings of mysterious lights in the gym, concentric circles in the former football field and green extraterrestrials patrolling the junior and senior hallways, many are concerned Lincoln High School is under an alien invasion. Overlord B̷̬͆ȃ̵̳̦͙̈́̊g̵̱̗̫̍̀̆ğ̷̼̳̮̇͒u̴̥̬̦͑̃s̷̹̅͗͑á̷̙͓̯k̴̜̬͎͝ II, Destroyer of Worlds, Conqueror of Galaxies, and high school principal-elect, says that is not the case. 

“These puny Earthlings wouldn’t know what an alien invasion was if it hit them in the face,” Principal-elect B̷̬͆ȃ̵̳̦͙̈́̊g̵̱̗̫̍̀̆ğ̷̼̳̮̇͒u̴̥̬̦͑̃s̷̹̅͗͑á̷̙͓̯k̴̜̬͎͝ II said, promptly after slapping a student complaining about IB Chemistry 3-4 across the cheek. “There is no need for panic or alarm.”

In an email sent to all parents last Friday, B̷̬͆ȃ̵̳̦͙̈́̊g̵̱̗̫̍̀̆ğ̷̼̳̮̇͒u̴̥̬̦͑̃s̷̹̅͗͑á̷̙͓̯k̴̜̬͎͝ II relayed a similar message. 

“Fellow humans, I assure you that your precious human-spawn are safe from whatever harm other alien races may bring you,” the email read. “For now.”

Despite this reasonable and reassuring letter, many students remain unconvinced. 

“I think it’s completely outrageous that there are aliens in our school now,” junior Marshall Lewis said. “How am I supposed to make it on time from my math classroom in the basement to TOK [Theory of Knowledge] if I have to pass through security checks in every hallway? And the principal still hasn’t gotten back to me on if the new Obedience Training class counts as a CTE credit.”

Other students, however, see a bright side to Lincoln’s new leadership. 

“People are finally socially distancing, since everyone has to walk in single-file lines in the hallways,” pointed out senior Lucia Jackson. “Plus, ever since they put the school in permanent lockdown to prevent insurgents, everyone has been cowering in fear within their COVID bubble. It makes contact tracing so much easier.”

The Cardinal Times reached out to Principal-elect B̷̬͆ȃ̵̳̦͙̈́̊g̵̱̗̫̍̀̆ğ̷̼̳̮̇͒u̴̥̬̦͑̃s̷̹̅͗͑á̷̙͓̯k̴̜̬͎͝ II for comment, but has received no response. We will provide an update in the next issue on this breaking story, as well as the mysterious and sudden disappearance of Marshall Lewis.