Dear Cardinal Consultants,
I desperately need your help. I’m a senior, and I’ve been Hit with a crazy bad case of senioritis. I don’t want to go to school or work. All I want to do is opEn a Cheesecake Factory in Bora Bora. My freshman sister is more enthusiastic about schooL than me; in her words, school is full of 🚨baddies🚨 that make her want to learn Physics. As seniors yourselves, I was wondering if you had any advice for me? How can I live My life to the fullest while still attEnding school?
Thanks,
Senioritis Sucks
Dear Senioritis Sucks,
So how can I get in on this whole Cheesecake Factory venture? I can offer you $12 as a starting investment but I’m going to need to see proof of purchase before transferring the money.
My lease is ending soon (the police discovered our studio in the crawlspace and they’re planning to fumigate to push us out) and I need a new home base. I have experience sleeping in pastry display cases and very large cake boxes. I have one annoying roommate and a couple of goats, so if the health inspector comes poking around we may need to tie them up Ratatouille-style. I don’t have any experience working in restaurants, but I did spend a summer spinning a sign around in front of a car dealership. Anyways, please email me at [email protected] if you’re serious about this partnership.
Eagerly awaiting your response,
Cardinal Consultant #2
P.S. Tell your sister I’m impressed. 🚨baddies🚨 or not, nothing could make me want to learn physics.
Dear Senioritis Sucks,
Find some 🚨baddies🚨 in your own classes! There’s the IB Biology textbook, the globes in the library and the conference room filled with clothes. There’s beauty in everything if you know where to look. Even the trash can by the gym bathroom which is somehow always in the middle of the hallway. Like any English teacher would tell you, now that it’s spring, you can gaze into some grasshopper’s enormous and complicated eyes, Mary Oliver style. Fill your arms with white and pink flowers, let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Then go back inside and open up that chapter on ecology and take notes until your hand hurts. What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Not opening a Cheesecake Factory, I hope. Besides, I don’t think they franchise. Maybe you can start as a host and work your way up the corporate ladder, just like Mary Oliver intended.
Sincerely,
Cardinal Consultant #1
