Hello Cards! Welcome to the second addition of our satirical advice column, “Ask the Cardinal Consultants.” These questions come from Lincoln students. If you are interested in sending us a letter, email us at [email protected]. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

Dear Cardinal Consultants, 

I have terrible fashion taste! My so-called “friends” tell me that how I dress is straight-up sad. I think I dress rather averagely, usually in a baggy T-shirt and jeans, and I don’t know what to do to spice it up. Where can I look for fashion inspiration?

Sincerely,

Fashionably Lost

Dear Fashionably Lost,

As you know if you read last issue, we are runway models. We know a thing or two, or three, about fashion. To start, let’s review what fashion is. To us, fashion is all about self expression. There is no such thing as fashionable and unfashionable, there is just you. However, dressing like Adam Sandler is undeniably unfashionable. Because teachers are at the top of the high school food chain, we should obviously look to them for inspiration. Have you ever tried wearing animal print with a neon yellow blazer? What about jeans with a skirt on top? 

For inspiration outside of the Lincoln bubble, try finding trends to revitalize from a few years ago. Have you ever considered the fashion from pre-revolution France? I’ve heard Louis XVI style is coming back into popularity.

Personally, we get our impeccable fashion taste from observing the customers shopping at Home Depot. We go into the plumbing aisle with a camera and a notepad and document our findings, like a low-budget David Attenborough.

When you become the next top fashion designer, make sure to thank us.

Sincerely, 

The Cardinal Consultants

Dear Cardinal Consultants,

All my life, I’ve read advice columns, trying my hardest to relate. I’ve dreamed of submitting a complaint, being a sympathetic anonymous figure who gets an unhelpful paragraph from unqualified strangers. Here’s the issue: I don’t have any problems. My life is not perfect, but anything I complain about is so terribly trivial. Am I supposed to write to you about how my AirPods have too short a battery life? Or that I got a 96 on my Constitution Team quiz, not a 100? How do incredibly happy people utilize this service?!

Sincerely, 

Beyond Help

Dear Beyond Help,

Wow, having no problems? That must be so hard for you! As students who are not eternally happy, we sympathize. Our first priority is to make your life better, but since that’s not possible here, we’re going to make it worse instead. Your AirPods have too short a battery life? Try cutting the wires off of regular earbuds. They will look just like AirPods, but won’t have any battery life, that way they’ll never run out. Have you considered dropping Constitution Team altogether? We dropped the paper, and it worked wonders for us. We’re not even on the Cardinal Times staff! To write these articles, we crawl in through the plumbing in the girls bathroom.

We also want you to know that your problems are valid. No matter how small or insignificant they seem, they affect your life and your well being. No matter if you’re drowning in a slip and slide or the bottom of the Mariana trench, you’re still drowning. However, our advice column is for people with problems. Please refrain from emailing us again.

Sincerely,

Unqualified Strangers (The Cardinal Consultants)