Hello Cards! Welcome to the first addition of our satirical advice column, “Ask the Cardinal Consultants.” This issue, we created our own questions to give you a sample of what is to come. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental. Email us your questions at [email protected]. 

Dear Cardinal Consultants,

I’m a freshman and new to high school life. I’m looking to make an impact and show my school spirit. In the past, I’ve always faded into the background. Despite my various attempts to show my love for my school, my classmates have never appreciated me. What can I do to show my peers that I’m worthy of their Instagram follow?

Dear School Spirit,

Your futile attempts to gain popularity are truly inspiring. Everyone loves an underdog. Our advice to you is this: check if your peers know you exist. If your classmates don’t know who you are, they can’t appreciate you. We recommend interrupting every conversation you observe with unwarranted political opinions. Everyone likes talking politics with a stranger. If they storm off angrily, your strategy is working.

On TV shows, you’ve probably seen popular students shoving others into lockers, but don’t allow the media to influence anything you do! Instead, do what nobody will see coming, and put yourself in a locker! Make sure to close the door for added effect.

We hope our advice helps you to come out of your shell and spread your cardinal wings. Good luck, you’ll need it!

Sincerely, 

The Cardinal Consultants

Dear Cardinal Consultants, 

I just found out that my close friends have been spreading damaging rumors about me.  Now everyone is making fun of me. I’m not mad at my friends, I just want to know how to repair my reputation and move on. Any advice for a struggling senior?

Dear Struggling Senior,

We are truly sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. Because these friends are obviously the kind you want to keep, your first course of action should be to repair these damaged friendships. Seeing as you’re so close to graduation, making new friends seems highly unlikely. You need a strong support system to get through the end of high school, and these friends seem like they definitely won’t cause you any trouble in the future.

One way to remedy this unfortunate situation is by cancelling out the impact of the rumor. Get your friends to spread an even worse rumor about you, so everyone forgets about the first one. For example, have your friends tell everyone that your favorite movie is the 2019 box office hit “Cats”. The implication that you’re a James Corden fan is sure to erase your peers’ minds about your past wrongdoings.

Another way to solve this problem is to do everything in your power to make the rumors true. They’re not rumours if they’re true! For example, when my friends bullied me for dressing like an Old Navy ad, I became a model for Old Navy. When they told me I had a bad taste in movies, I made them watch “Cats” with me. Twice.

Good luck on your journey to possibly rekindle or permanently ruin your friendships. If you didn’t have a reputation before, you’ll definitely have one now!

Sincerely, 

The Cardinal Consultants