Often ignored, he’s made of dairy; on the penny, he’s monetary; a Cardinal ‘til the end, now in a cemetery; always our guide, he’s a luminary!
Who is it? It’s Butter Lincoln!
The Abraham Lincoln statue in the second-floor common space has always been a treasured member of Lincoln High School. Lovingly nicknamed for his food-like tint, Butter Lincoln has been in LHS’ possession since 1912, when students attended what is now Portland State University’s Lincoln Hall, according to Dana Cress, Lincoln’s archivist.
Adoring fan and Cardinal Times reporter Emilia Cafiso sat down with Butter Lincoln to discuss his accidental beheading, wisdom in his old age, the GO CARDS values and more.
Emilia Cafiso (EC): Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, President Lincoln. I know you’re a very busy statue.
Butter Lincoln (BL): Of course. Anything for a fellow Cardinal.
EC: I’ve got to say, I’m such a big fan of yours. I loved your work at the old school, the old old school, and now the new school. I promised myself I wasn’t going to say this, but you’re my biggest inspiration, and so, when I turn 18, I’m going to get a tattoo of your-
BL: Let’s get to the questions.
EC: OK. First question. What makes a Cardinal a Cardinal?
BL: Some would say it is our Global mindset, while others argue it is our Open-mindedness. Few people would deign to explain that it is our Care for others, Altruism, Respect, Dedication, and Support. Nay, what makes a Cardinal a Cardinal is our passion for education. I once said, “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
EC: And that means…?
BL: We must remain unmoving in the face of danger, unrelenting in the face of discrimination, and unstoppable in the face of tea. I hate tea. Also coffee.
EC: OK. I’ll figure out how to make that quote work in the article. Let’s get down to business. What actually happened on May 23, 2013?
BL: I’m glad you asked. That evening, I was resting at the end of the freshman hallway when four students picked me up by my boots and dragged me towards the gym! I threw a fit as they whispered to each other. I believe they were committing what you might call a “chicanery.”
EC: A senior prank?
BL: Whatever you call it, I was positively appalled. These— dare I say it?— hooligans placed me on the gym balcony, tied a rope around my waist, and attempted to lower my person down to the gym floor! The last thing I remember is the troublemakers hoisting me over the railing.
EC: Goodness! What happened next?
BL: I woke up a few weeks later, back at the end of the freshman hallway. My neck was incredibly sore, my base was entirely rebuilt, and I was flaxen from head to toe!
EC: Yellow?
BL: Exactly! I believe a local sculptor had to use a wax seal to completely restore my stately figure.
EC: How do you feel about the name Butter Lincoln?
BL: It’s a small price to pay to have my head attached.
EC: Thank you so much for sitting down with me. I couldn’t imagine my high school being named after any other mid-19th-century political figure. I’ve always wondered, how was the play?
BL: Too soon.
EC: So sorry. Go Cards?
BL: Go Cards.
