Satire: Pseudosciences warn of never-seen-before weather


Graphic by Calder Moon

A realistic look into changing weather patterns across the U.S..


“Eye” on the Future:

It’s February, and you know what that means: It’s Hurricane Season! Last year’s hurricane season saw several Type-5 and Type-6 hurricanes, finishing off in late December with Hurricane Jackelina-Marie-Hudson XVIII bringing in the New Year across the Eastern Seaboard. Scientists say that a Type-7 hurricane is a possibility in the coming months.

“A Type-7 is something we have never actually recorded before,” says Dr. Westner, head researcher of the American Meteorology Conglomerate. “A Type-7 will actually have winds fast enough to break the sound barrier, so it will be interesting to study its effects for the first time.”

Called Hurricane Anton-Kennedy-Natasha-[PLACEHOLDER]-[PLACEHOLDER], this hurricane is expected to make landfall as early as spring break.


You’re on Fire:

On the West Coast, the semi-annual California firestorms appear to be milder this year, with flames spreading across only seven states.

“We really did dodge a bullet here,” says Denver mayor Phil Swift. “Yesterday, you could even breathe without a gas mask.”

Many citizens of Denver also share the mayor’s sentiments.

“This really is a far cry from last year,” says 17-year-old Fireman Jared, pointing to the ashy ruins of the forest outside his house. “This is the best fire-year I’ve seen since I was first drafted into the Fire Department.”


Surf’s Down:

In other news, citizens of Wichita, Kansas are preparing for the fourth hail-tornado of 2032.

“It’s a real bummer, dude. We’re having to postpone the Wichita Beach Surfing Competition,” says local surfing enthusiast Kyle Boardeau, piling up sandbags in his front yard.

“I canceled my Safari across the Kentucky seaboard for this.”


Climate Study:

One hundred of the world’s top scientists have agreed to meet to discuss the issue of climate change; specifically, whether or not it is real.

“It really is hard to say,” says Jeffrey Roth, an Exxon-Mobil PR official who is also a scientist. “Until we are 100% certain that the climate is indeed changing over time, we shouldn’t do anything about it.”

While many in the committee are beginning to believe that the rumors of a changing climate are true, others maintain a healthy skepticism.

“At the end of the day, there is just no evidence that the climate has changed,” says Chevron’s CEO (who is also another scientist). “But the important thing is that we never stop questioning until we get to the truth.”