Love advice, from a seriously, solitary senior

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended, stop reading; take everything in this article with a grain of salt, or ten. None of it is serious. The Cardinal Times does not condone harassment, stalking, etc. This is purely satirical.


The first step in the pursuit of love is identifying whether or not you actually love the person. If you think about the person more than once every other day, it is a good indication of your interest in them. Upon determining your interest, there are two distinct approaches to take.

The first, easiest, and most advisable course of action: give up. Honestly, what’s the point of even trying. In all likelihood, nothing will result from your efforts, and what does result is so meaningless, you would be better off without it.

If, however, you have been sufficiently brainwashed by society and pop culture to believe in true love, or some form of romantic love, do not hesitate to choose one of the following two methods to carry out.

The first method is to make clear your affections. During the school day, never let the person get farther than 15 feet away from you, though this shouldn’t be too difficult in a crowded hallway. If you see them get within 2.84 decimeters of a different person, go ahead and slide right in between them. Barging in will definitely remove any competition.

Here are some options: shower them with praise until their ears are deaf; paint their locker; serenade them with a love song; change your schedule to match theirs. If your counselor refuses, respond, “I’m in the pursuit of true love.”

Another way to go is to completely ignore the person and all attempts at conversation. The only possible outcome of a conversation is embarrassment. You will inevitably say something you wish you could take back, or regret not saying something. So just don’t talk.

Finally, if your personality is unconducive to silence, turn to laughter. Awkwardly laugh whenever they do.

In all honesty though, why would anyone ever listen to love advice? In something so driven by emotion instead of reason, just listen to what your heart says. Or really your brain. Go ahead, enjoy the dopamine and serotonin.