Dear Cardinal Consultants,

I am terrified. Actually, I am ashamed. Actually, I don’t know. The point is, I have made a grave mistake. Last weekend at my most epic and amazing house party to this date, I completely wrecked my mom’s house. Glitter all over the room and pink flamingos in the pool. How will my mother ever forgive me? I am afraid that she’ll be so angry, she won’t be there at graduation to see me walk. She’s obviously never made the mistake of arts and crafts with the entire senior class at midnight. What should I do? 

Sincerely,

Please Help

Dear Please Help,

I’m really disappointed in you. I thought you were better than this. All the work I put into raising you and this is how you repay me? Do you know what it’s like to have to vacuum grass to get rid of thousands of tiny glitter molecules? I go to Trader Joe’s for just three hours and I come back to 300 seniors making necklaces out of my Barilla elbows. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I’m actually not your mom, but I can see where she’s coming from. I also hate fun.

If I were your mom, you’d never hear the end of my disappointment. Forget skipping graduation, I’m breaking into Lincoln and stealing your diploma so you can’t have it. I would cross out your name with a Sharpie and write mine instead. There, now I’ve graduated high school twice, and you’ve graduated zero times. I’m putting on your cap and gown and walking in your place. I will shake Ms. Chapman’s hand and smile for that picture. Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams, I will completely replace you as if you never existed.

But I wouldn’t do that if you apologize. If you really are so into arts and crafts, use those skills to make your mom a really nice card to say you’re sorry. In fact, get the whole senior class to make a card for your mom. I’ll host this time!

Sincerely,

Cardinal Consultant #2